Being Thrown Back into your Old Life
A few weeks ago, I returned home to Ohio for my spring break. I've been back there a few times since I really start feeling sick on a regular basis. Yet, being there this time felt different. Maybe it was that my sister recently moved back home to my parent's house with her two children. My nephews are some of the best parts of my life hands down. At two-months and four years old, they both require quite the amount of attention. Being home during spring break was the first time I've been around them both constantly. On top of that, my family has always been a bit explosive in nature, making it a constant noisy and active environment to reenter myself into. Maybe it had something to do with crashing on my parent's couch every night with other people's schedules disrupting my energy-restoring slumber. All in all, these things led to an experience that made me realize how much my chronic illnesses have changed my life forever.
I never thought being around those I loved most could be so draining. The constant energy and mischief that practically protrudes from my oldest nephew I once could manage and entertain. Now, a lone hour can pull me over the edge into exhaustion. My ability to handle my family's difficulties, once at an all time high from only dealing with it once in awhile had disappeared before I even stepped inside of the door. I have these two friends that I met through a mentorship program during my undergraduate years who are 11 and 13; I refer to them as my little sisters and they, alongside the rest of their family, have become like a second family to me. I spend a couple days with them each time I go home, and my time spent with them is typically filled with pranks, adventures, and a lot of times, hide and go seek. While this time started out as no different, by 9 pm, I was ready for bed, even though I used to stay up late with them, like all kids do at slumber parties, even with their big sis. They accepted my need to lay down for the night early despite the fact that concerning my health issues, I've kept them largely in the dark, similar to how we play hide and go seek.
I think the worst part about going home is the fear of disappointing those I love oh so much. My little sisters may have put a movie on without complaint, but it didn't stop me from feeling a little guilty for not taking full advantage of the short amount of time I had with them. My baby nephew will grow up knowing me as simply this, but I wonder if his older siblings, especially his 6 year-old sister, will remember all of the aunty-niecey days we had running around in the park and will be disappointed when I have trouble doing so again. I even had to cancel on my brunch plans with her the morning I returned home because my mom made it impossible for me to sleep the night before and I was terrified of driving eight hours the longer I was awake for the day, so instead of spending time with my favorite little girl, I left early. I'm sure I disappointed her that day as much as I disappointed myself.
How do you deal with an illness that changes so much of your life without changing the lives around you? How do you jump back into a previous life when your current one is so vastly different? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to these questions, but I am going to take it one step at a time trying to figure it out.
I never thought being around those I loved most could be so draining. The constant energy and mischief that practically protrudes from my oldest nephew I once could manage and entertain. Now, a lone hour can pull me over the edge into exhaustion. My ability to handle my family's difficulties, once at an all time high from only dealing with it once in awhile had disappeared before I even stepped inside of the door. I have these two friends that I met through a mentorship program during my undergraduate years who are 11 and 13; I refer to them as my little sisters and they, alongside the rest of their family, have become like a second family to me. I spend a couple days with them each time I go home, and my time spent with them is typically filled with pranks, adventures, and a lot of times, hide and go seek. While this time started out as no different, by 9 pm, I was ready for bed, even though I used to stay up late with them, like all kids do at slumber parties, even with their big sis. They accepted my need to lay down for the night early despite the fact that concerning my health issues, I've kept them largely in the dark, similar to how we play hide and go seek.
I think the worst part about going home is the fear of disappointing those I love oh so much. My little sisters may have put a movie on without complaint, but it didn't stop me from feeling a little guilty for not taking full advantage of the short amount of time I had with them. My baby nephew will grow up knowing me as simply this, but I wonder if his older siblings, especially his 6 year-old sister, will remember all of the aunty-niecey days we had running around in the park and will be disappointed when I have trouble doing so again. I even had to cancel on my brunch plans with her the morning I returned home because my mom made it impossible for me to sleep the night before and I was terrified of driving eight hours the longer I was awake for the day, so instead of spending time with my favorite little girl, I left early. I'm sure I disappointed her that day as much as I disappointed myself.
How do you deal with an illness that changes so much of your life without changing the lives around you? How do you jump back into a previous life when your current one is so vastly different? I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to these questions, but I am going to take it one step at a time trying to figure it out.
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